I can't believe I'm actually writing this... It's been eating away at me for a long time. And lately, it's gotten considerably worse...
I'm terrified of death. Not my own death. I'm relatively healthy (even though I eat a lot of junk food), I don't smoke or drink, and I feel I have a lot of time left, even though the dreaded 30 is creeping up soon... I'm terrified of my parents death. (Sorry Mom & Dad, you already know this, but I had to get this out. It just becomes overwhelming sometimes.) It's starting to interfere with life. (And there's nothing that they did or said to make me this way). At first, I would be in the car or shower or laying in bed trying to go to sleep and my mind would wonder off. Something would trigger it. Something small. I'll be thinking about the next day's activities and something about that would bring the thought of them into the "picture" and then it turns around. I'll think, what if? what if? what if? What if my dad gets hurt at work? What if my mom has a car accident? How will I deal with it? What will I say/do/react? How will I take care of the other? What will happen to Papaw/Grandmother? How will Pete take it? What if something happens to Pete? How will my parents take it? Will it kill them? How will I take care of them grieving and myself too? This is how it begins. After a few minutes, I think, this is silly! Why am I stressing myself out over something that hasn't happened and most likely won't? Sometimes I can shake the thoughts out. Start thinking about something else. It will go away. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it'll bring me to tears. And sometimes full on crying tears. There's a superstition aspect that can trigger it too... What if I forget to tell Mom I love her when I get off the phone? What if I don't wave to Dad?
I don't think this way everyday. Sometimes I go days, even weeks without thinking this way. Then one day, it will hit me and here we go again. It's never happened in public before. And it's rarely effected my mood.
But on Sunday, I felt like it got worse. Or at least I let it get worse. This happened during church. I was listening to Bro. Kenny speak. (I like his sermons.) I wasn't zoning out at all, but then he said something that made me think of Mamaw and Papaw. I don't know what it was. And then I started thinking about Mom. What if she gets Alzheimer's? What if she forgets me? Then I couldn't control it anymore. I fought the tears for like 20 minutes. But I couldn't anymore. (Here they come again) During the invitation, I grabbed a friend and we went down to pray. I told her what was happening. She may have thought I was crazy. Maybe I am a little. She prayed with me and I did feel better. I think I just needed to get it out of me. I don't want to think this way anymore. I can't know what's going to happen to them or anyone else for that matter. I tell myself not to dwell on the unknown. I wish there was a switch or magic potion that would turn it off. But then, would I still be me? Is this just part of my personality? The doomed worrier? Will I always be thinking the worst? I sure hope not because Sunday morning was bad. I busied myself the rest of the day so I wouldn't think about it again. It worked. I visited Papaw, ate with Mom, and spent the rest of the day with a High School friend I hadn't seen in 11 years. (Rachael) If I can keep it in the shower or the car, I can handle it. It's normal for people to worry a little, but is this normal? In saying all this, I don't want Mom & Dad to worry about me, worrying about them. (Does that make since?) I feel like talking about it helps so when/if it happens again, I can let it out easier.