My L5 hates me.

Sorry I haven't updated this much recently. I've been kinda blah... I think it's a combination of: turning 30, back pain, bills, and the beginning of a really hot summer. I'm hoping and praying that this back thing doesn't hinder me from marathon training. It's a little worrisome. I can run without pain, but that's about it. Sitting here hurts. It started really hurting again last week. It was much worse yesterday and this morning because on Saturday after the State Games XC race, Wes and I cut the grass and weed-eated and weeded the flower beds and all that. I should not have this much pain after doing that. I should be a little sore, but not unable to sit up straight. After church yesterday, we came home and I only left the living room twice, once to pee and once to find dinner. Well, three times... once to go to bed. I thought doing nothing would help. It's better, but not tolerable. Getting old sucks!
My insurance is terrible too. The doc wants me to go to physical therapy. I tried to, but I learn that Riley's isn't considered an in-network provider... But then I learn that the closest in-network provider is LIVINGSTON, ALABAMA!!!! 40 miles away!!! Sad. This is what private insurance is coming too. (Anybody who thinks health care reform is a bad idea, come talk to me!) There are three hospitals in this town. There are probably a dozen physical therapists in this town as well. I can't go to any of them. Ridiculous! Even the in-network PT is gonna cost me an arm and a leg! Doc wants me to go three times a week for 6 weeks. (not to mention the gas to get to Livingston as well). Co-pays are $40 a visit! Add that up.... $40x3 times a week = $120 per week... $120x6 weeks = $720!!!! (I won't even mention the cost to go to an out-of-network PT) My car is in the shop. Wes just paid over two hundred dollars for ONE book for school! We just paid $$$$money for the MRI, doc visits and other tests for my back.... My plan is to go once or twice and just do the PT on my own at the gym or at home. It's the only way it'll work. And PT is not guaranteed to help me feel better either.

All this is adding to my depressive state. So I apologize in advance if I'm not my usual chipper/slightly pessimistic self. I hope to be out of it by my birthday. In case people are wondering, I do know about my birthday get-together at Mom's house... I've been told that lots of folks will be there. YEAH!!! Can't wait to see my Mobile cousins again! Also can't wait to see Becky, Laura and the babies too! Only wish Pete could be there. That's okay though. So if you're not sure about coming, please come! It'll make me feel better! Don't bring me a gift either. (I only have three things on my list anyway!) Instead, go to this site................ More on that soon....

This weekend is the Strawberry Run 5K in Marion. I've learned that it's going to be a pretty small race... Seems that is the only way I can place... That's okay. This one and the State Games road race are the last two 5K's I'll do in my 20's...

Bring it on!!

Hump Day.

Man, It's been a rough couple of days. But things are looking better. I don't know why sometimes I let frivolous things get to me. When lots of little easily-avoided problems come at you at once, you wonder, is it really worth it? It got real overwhelming. Well, lets just hope the rest of the week is better.

Anyway, I have basically set up my training schedule for the marathon. the 16 weeks starts July 19th. I have three months to take it easy and focus on 5K's and speed. (and most importantly: staying injury free!~) The last two times I've run, I didn't use the inhaler. It seems like the inhaler is more of a hindrance then a help. Tomorrow is our group trail run. I'm not going to use it. I just need to slow down. The group is growing fast! On Tuesday morning there were 7 people. I didn't go because I couldn't get to sleep on Monday night. I wish I would have now though.

Anyway, off to Hump day.... BREATHE......

Food is Gross!

Three restaurants in the past few weeks have really disappointed me... First, Little Caesars' is just terrible... There $5 pizzas aren't worth $5 at all!! That should be predictable. Second, McAllisters has just gotten ridiculous!! The last three visits have been bad.. How can you mess up a potato?? I ordered a chicken sandwich last week and it had a few very small pieces of chicken with like 5 pieces of cheese... It was nasty... Yesterday, Quiznos kept me up until 3:30am.... Not fun....

What is with restaurants these days????? It makes me not want to eat out anymore. ever.

Degenerative Disc Disease....

Huh?? Apparently this is what is wrong with my back. I don't quite know or understand what it's about. I was pretty depressed about it yesterday, but I feel better now. I got out and ran this afternoon. The weather was beautiful!!! I ran the trails today at Bonita. Afterwards I sat on a swing and watched the people and enjoyed the weather. It was great!! Welcome Spring!!! :)

stuff....

So I've spent WAY to much time this month in doctor's offices! I'm tired of it! With all this pharmacy screw-up stuff and my back hurting, I'm ready to get back to my normal boring life. I had an appointment for my back yesterday. It was supposed to be a followup to the first appointment (which resulted in the pharmacy error.) My back has been hurting for about two months now, on the lower right side. It hurts most when I sit, which is ironic to me. I can stand, walk and even run without pain. After sitting for a half hour or more, it's very irritating, almost unbearable. For the past two weeks, my right foot will go numb while running. On Tuesday morning during our group run, it was so numb, I was unable to feel where I stepped and I felt like I was dragging a sandbag. I was afraid I would twist it or step on something. (The trail surface changes a lot with rain causing ruts and rocks, limbs and pine cones everywhere. We run in the dark too, and use flashlights until the sun comes up.) I ended up having to stop and walk several times. When I told the doctor this, he said that he's going to forgo the x-ray and do an MRI instead. He said it's most likely (hopefully) a pinched nerve that's causing this. Let's pray that it's nothing more than that. He said depending on the outcome of the MRI, the plan is A) physical therapy or B) sending me to a surgeon. I don't like this at all..... He gave me some different pain medicine this time (Which is wonderful by the way!). I also used the other pharmacy (same company, different location).

Today is Mom & Dad's 32ND Anniversary! :) YEAH parents! They are great! My parents. They are so happy together and are an inspiration to me. 32 years together means that I'll be 30 this year.... AAAAAAHAHAHHAHA!!! :) I'm not ready to be 30. It just sounds weird. Wes will be 32. This aging thing is not cool....

Pete, if you're reading this, I sent your package off on Monday. It's full of junk that will rot your teeth and a few things that won't. There's also a MS flag in there too. Mom said you would really like some toilet paper. I heard the story about the Afghani people's bathroom habits.... There WILL be toilet paper in your next box. Mom said Kelly's sent you some too. Can't have too much toilet paper. That's my opinion anyway. PLEASE don't pick up their bathroom habits!

So, I've got lots of races planned for this summer (pending what the deal is with my back). I've registered for two in April and the Natchez Trace Century Ride as well. Wes and I are doing the the 25 mile leg. There's three races in May I'm thinking about and possibly one the first week of June. That'll be four in a row. I doubt I'll do all four. We'll see. I haven't looked past June yet. There's a few that are already posted.

Wes & I are going to see Conan O'Brien in Atlanta in June. He'll be at the Fox Theater. It's the last stop of his "Legally prohibited from being funny on television" tour. Can't wait!! :)

Medication Roulette

Wow. That's all I can say about the last few weeks. February started off fine. Nothing unusual. It ended with a life "toiling" event. Medication Roulette. I really feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now. If you haven't heard already, here's the story. I had this all written up, but decided to shorten it to spare you the useless details as well as names because I don't want to incriminate anyone....

On Thursday (Feb. 25), I went to the doctor for my back pain. It has been hurting off and on for a month or so. Doc gave me two prescriptions, one for a muscle relaxer, and a stronger dose of an over-the-counter pain reliever. I dropped the prescription off at the pharmacy and picked it up on my way to work. I took one of each when I got to work. After the shows, I went home and Wes & I ate dinner. We watch TV for a while after dinner and around 8:15pm, I get up to get ready to go back to work. I walk by the mirror and notice my face is real red. I turn on the light and then see not only that my face is red, but blotchy and it's all over my neck. I look at my lower arms, and they are the same way. That's about when I start to feel it. My elbows, underarms and neck start to feel real hot. I run to show Wes. I have no idea what's happening. It's getting worse. Within another minute or two, both arms are red and swelling, my neck is really hot and my face and ears feel like they're on fire. I have to go back to work, so I decide to try to relax and calm down. Freaking out makes it worse. I go to get in the car and I start to have trouble breathing. I sit in the car for a minute and then it really hits me. It's getting bad quick. I call Mom and tell her what's happening. She tells me to go to the ER. (Mom had surgery on her elbow on Wednesday the 24th). So we do. By the time, we get there, I'm shivering inside, but my skin feels like I'm being scalded! Its near freezing outside, but I'm sweating.
The ER nurse gives me a shot of Salumedrol(sp?), benedryl and Pepcid(apparently its a anti-histamine). I immediately feel relief. I take the two medicine bottles with me to the ER and give it to them. They write down all the info. The ER doc says he wasn't sure why I had this reaction. He said it could have been what I ate but he can't say for sure it wasn't the medicine. (I had the exact same meal on Monday. The only "new" thing I did on Thursday was take the medicines). So I leave the ER around 10:30 or so. When we walked in, I was sweating, but shivering. When we leave I'm shivering. Uncontrollable teeth chattering. We go home. I go to bed. (Benedryl knocked me out). (Meanwhile, Adam & Becca are in town and were headed to our house. All this has thrown a wrench in our plans. Luckily for us, they were late getting in.)

Early the next morning, the ER nurse calls and leaves a message on Wes' phone for me. She says that the Doc was finishing up paperwork and looking up the medicines that I took and told me that a severe side effect for one of them (Niaspan) is flushing, rash, swelling and redness. They say they're pretty sure it was the medicine. This is when I start to wonder. I call the doctor's office. (Wes, Adam & Becca go to Quitman for lunch, while I sleep in and then go to work) Later(Friday afternoon), The nurse calls me back and I tell her about the ER visit. She looks in the computer and the info from my visit on Thursday wasn't in the computer yet. I tell her the medicines he gave me... Robaxin and Niaspan. She was confused, she said "Is it Naprosyn?" I said that "I'm pretty sure the bottle said Niaspan. I said one was a muscle relaxer and the other...." She broke in and said "Cholesterol?" I said "No, it should be an strong pain reliever." She said Naprosyn again. I said I wasn't real sure, but I thought it said Niaspan. She said she'd tell the doctor and they would call me back on Monday. This phone call got me worried. Did I get the wrong medicine? I was almost positive the bottle said Niaspan because I had to pay $40 for it because there was no generic. I was at work and didn't have the bottles (I wasn't taking them or eating anything because I was scared to and didn't have much of an appetite either.) I went to Quitman to eat with Wes and his family for dinner and then went back to work.
When I got home on Friday night, I get both the bottles and look them up online. (Sure enough, I WAS RIGHT. IT SAYS NIASPAN). I was freaked!!!(Still am) Niaspan is a drug used for lowering CHOLESTEROL!!! I've never had cholesterol problems! I'm only 29. I didn't know what to think. On Saturday, I go to the pharmacy and tell them what's happened with the ER visit and that I think the medicine is wrong. The Pharmacist there was not the same lady there on Thursday. I tell her this whole deal and she looks at the scan of the prescription I brought them. Her eyes get REAL BIG.... She says it clearly says Naprosyn. She said it was clearly their mistake. She immediately apologized and called the store manager. I told him the whole story. (I think he goes to our church.) He was also very apologetic and kept asking me if there was anything they could do. I told them that I was going to talk to the doctor on Monday. He refunded me the copay for the prescription that they wrongly gave me and told me to call them on Monday.
On Monday, the Doctor's nurse says it was definitely the medicine that caused me to go to the ER. Right now, the insurance company representing the Pharmacy is sending me information about reimbursement for all this.

So this is where I'm at. I really feel like I am lucky to be alive right now. The pharmacy gave me the wrong medicine. They could have given me anything. How would I have known? Thinking about this over the weekend and this week has really set me back emotionally. I've been real quiet (sorry Watkins family). I don't really know what to say. The thought that my family could have possibly been dealing with me either having a serious health issue or worse is overwhelming.

On Tuesday, I'm telling a few friends about all this at work. It's between the 5 and 6pm news, when the national news is on. I happen to look up at one of the TV's and see Diane Sawyer with a graphic that says "Prescription Errors." I listen to the story. The SAME Pharmacy chain just settled a multi-million dollar court battle with a woman's family who was given the wrong dosage of medication. She suffered a stroke and eventually died! She was a 30-40 something woman with grade school kids! How is this not regulated better!?!?!?!??? The story said the person responsible for the error was a high school part time worker who entered the information into the computer wrong. Seeing that story REALLY made me feel lucky to be here! If we are passing all these bills to regulate over the counter cold medicine so meth addicts can't get their hands on them, why are we letting under qualified and/or under trained pharmacy "technicians" handle prescription medications? I read somewhere that one in every 1000 individuals in the US will be given either the wrong dosage or the wrong medication (often someone Else's) in their lifetime. 3% of hospital admissions are from problems from medication errors. This is ridiculous!!!!

BEWARE!!!!! Make sure you know exactly what your taking! Don't blindly trust your friendly smiling pharmacist you've used your whole life or the one standing in front of the nationally known franchise sign!!

Here's a link to a pill identifier I found online. This site also lists interactions and symptoms.

May 23.....

The day you won't be LOST anymore!....The day all the questions will be answered.... or will they?? The producers were on Jimmy Kimmel last night after the premiere and announced May 23rd for the final episode--which happens to be a Sunday. Knowing the Lost writers, they'll probably end the show like Seinfeld or Sopranos (I never watched Sopranos for the record.... but i did see all the media hype surrounding it's ending.)

So does anyone else feel more confused than before? Because I do. But it's not an irritated confusion. I know we'll learn the answers. Having the end date helps. Before I always felt jipped because I had to wait a whole week to find out what's happening, and even then there was no answers, just more questions. But with last nights episode, I was able to follow along pretty well. At first I thought they actually prevented the Swan from being built. The debris in the hole looked like all the medal stuff that was sucked into it. But Kate said they were at the swan station after Desmond blew it up. (I saw Sawyer pick up a red bicycle when he was trying to get to Juliet. I couldn't tell if it was parts of the exercise bike or one that a Dharma person used. I'll have to go back and watch again.) I'm pretty sure we'll see Juliet again though... just a hunch!
QUESTIONS......
What I can't figure out is which storyline is reality or are they both?? And do the airplane characters have any memories of what happened? Are they faking "not" knowing each other? Why did Charlie try to kill himself? I don't feel like that was his intention when the plane ended up crashing. Maybe it was. I don't understand why Shannon wasn't there. The crash happened after the events in Australia took place. Why would the events prior to the crash change? Why is Hurley so "lucky" all of a sudden? Is Desmond on the plane because he never got stuck on the island? Is that a coincidence that he happens to be on the same plane? Where was Libby and Ana Lucia? (Did anyone notice that Frogurt was sleeping between Locke and Boone?) Did anyone notice that Jack was only given one bottle of Vodka on the plane (she gave him two in the first season).

Right now I'm thinking the airplane storyline is imaginary. The reason is because why would past events be changed if the plane didn't crash? (i.e. Hurley's luck, Shannon staying in Australia, Desmond being there, Libby's possible absence, Ana Lucia's possible absence, etc.) Is this a dream sequence of what the characters wished would happen? (I have to go back and see if he had a wedding ring on or not. I wonder if Jack had his on too? And was Locke married to Helen?) If that's the case, then why is Kate still in handcuffs? The only thing I can think of that makes the airplane storyline real is if they were able to return to their previous lives earlier and change things. But then, they should still have memories of the island and the crash.

Of course, I am most likely wrong in all this!
Another thing to... Juliet, before she dies, says "Let's get coffee. We can go dutch." Nick (sports guy at work) just mentioned his thought that she was somehow in both realities and maybe she was "just meeting him in the other....???." When Miles "talked" to her after she died and she said "tell him it worked," that was her other self telling his 1977 Dharma self that the bomb worked. There's a whole other theory process there. (Man, I'm getting a headache).

I'm watching it again this weekend! :)
-------------------------------------------------------

So tell me if anyone is surprised by this? (I'm not). My last car payment is due this week. (YEAH!) This past Sunday, we get in the car to go to church, and guess what's bright and shiny?!! The check engine light. yeah. Wes is taking my car tomorrow to get it looked at. It's not cranking right and shutters a lot too. great.........

On a more positive note.... My Dad is sending Mom and I to NEW YORK CITY!!!! :) Mom's been wanting to go, just not without someone who knows where they're going. (I feel the same way. It's an intimidating place!) MCC is taking a group in December and Dad has reserved spots for us! :) Can't wait!!!

Still haven't decided on a marathon yet. Right now, my choice is Philadelphia. I'd love to do Chicago, but I have to sign up now (They register early and it always fills up quick). I'm in the lottery for the New York Marathon. They don't announce the winners until mid March. If I register for Chicago now, my dumb luck I'll get chosen and be registered for both (they're 3 weeks apart)! I can't afford two trips like that. I learned today that I can defer New York(If I get chosen, I can give up my spot and get in the next year. I haven't looked into it though.) Philly was one I was considering last year, before I decided on Memphis. Philly doesn't open registration until April 1, so I still have some time to decide.

Doomed Worrier

I can't believe I'm actually writing this... It's been eating away at me for a long time. And lately, it's gotten considerably worse...

I'm terrified of death. Not my own death. I'm relatively healthy (even though I eat a lot of junk food), I don't smoke or drink, and I feel I have a lot of time left, even though the dreaded 30 is creeping up soon... I'm terrified of my parents death. (Sorry Mom & Dad, you already know this, but I had to get this out. It just becomes overwhelming sometimes.) It's starting to interfere with life. (And there's nothing that they did or said to make me this way). At first, I would be in the car or shower or laying in bed trying to go to sleep and my mind would wonder off. Something would trigger it. Something small. I'll be thinking about the next day's activities and something about that would bring the thought of them into the "picture" and then it turns around. I'll think, what if? what if? what if? What if my dad gets hurt at work? What if my mom has a car accident? How will I deal with it? What will I say/do/react? How will I take care of the other? What will happen to Papaw/Grandmother? How will Pete take it? What if something happens to Pete? How will my parents take it? Will it kill them? How will I take care of them grieving and myself too? This is how it begins. After a few minutes, I think, this is silly! Why am I stressing myself out over something that hasn't happened and most likely won't? Sometimes I can shake the thoughts out. Start thinking about something else. It will go away. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it'll bring me to tears. And sometimes full on crying tears. There's a superstition aspect that can trigger it too... What if I forget to tell Mom I love her when I get off the phone? What if I don't wave to Dad?
I don't think this way everyday. Sometimes I go days, even weeks without thinking this way. Then one day, it will hit me and here we go again. It's never happened in public before. And it's rarely effected my mood.
But on Sunday, I felt like it got worse. Or at least I let it get worse. This happened during church. I was listening to Bro. Kenny speak. (I like his sermons.) I wasn't zoning out at all, but then he said something that made me think of Mamaw and Papaw. I don't know what it was. And then I started thinking about Mom. What if she gets Alzheimer's? What if she forgets me? Then I couldn't control it anymore. I fought the tears for like 20 minutes. But I couldn't anymore. (Here they come again) During the invitation, I grabbed a friend and we went down to pray. I told her what was happening. She may have thought I was crazy. Maybe I am a little. She prayed with me and I did feel better. I think I just needed to get it out of me. I don't want to think this way anymore. I can't know what's going to happen to them or anyone else for that matter. I tell myself not to dwell on the unknown. I wish there was a switch or magic potion that would turn it off. But then, would I still be me? Is this just part of my personality? The doomed worrier? Will I always be thinking the worst? I sure hope not because Sunday morning was bad. I busied myself the rest of the day so I wouldn't think about it again. It worked. I visited Papaw, ate with Mom, and spent the rest of the day with a High School friend I hadn't seen in 11 years. (Rachael) If I can keep it in the shower or the car, I can handle it. It's normal for people to worry a little, but is this normal? In saying all this, I don't want Mom & Dad to worry about me, worrying about them. (Does that make since?) I feel like talking about it helps so when/if it happens again, I can let it out easier.

Holding it together is becoming harder....

Today I attempted to rollover my 401K. It was ridiculous! I've done this several times in the past and I have never had this much trouble. No one will give me a straight answer. I was not in the right mindset to deal with it anyway. I have completely given up and we are going to move the money into a IRA or something.

Lost comes on tonight. Right now, I'm watching Alias. Lots of 47's..... Trying to clear my mind and think about other things besides work. I wanted to run today, but last night at the gym, my shins and calfs started hurting, so I figured it would be a good idea to sit out today. The weather is supposed to be nice this weekend. I'll be outside as much as possible. Honk if you see me... just not when you're right behind me because that scares me....

Papaw's 80th birthday is March 4th. We are planning a get-together for him. More details to come.....

The week that was...

Crazy awful!! OMG... If I had the financial means to do what I wanted to do right now, I would have done it on Tuesday!!! Had I had the strength and the mindset that day, I more than likely would have done it without thought to the consequences.

It's over now. Just pray that I can maintain appearances......

I've come to realize that this blog is turning into a rant page more than anything else. I'm trying to talk more about things that I actually care about... family, running, etc. But I find myself talking more about the negative. So as a new "late" resolution is to be more positive... Like I said.. maintain appearances. Hold it together....

So anyway, this week I have been sick. I woke up on Sunday with a bad sore throat. I didn't leave the house. (FYI: I'm now on Season 3 of Alias). Monday I felt worse but went to work. Tuesday was the worst day ever. The rest is details that I'd like to forget.... Long story short, I am feeling better today. Unfortunately, Wes is starting to feel sick. I hope he doesn't get as bad as I did.

Hopefully, things will get back to normal now. I haven't been able to run since Friday. I'm going this weekend...no matter what the weather is like.

Darn Caleb!!!!

This guy I work with, Caleb (who's a smoker BTW) has been coughing up lungs for weeks. He's always sick and I've been avoiding him at all costs and using hand sanitizer and Lysol like an addiction. Well, that wasn't enough! This morning I woke up and my throat felt like someone had rubbed it with sandpaper all night. I've barely got a voice.

Anyone know where I can get a big plastic bubble??? Or a good work at home job? Or how about a new job for Caleb!!! Maybe he needs a plastic bubble.

:)

We didn't go to church today. Wes is avoiding me so he won't get sick. I'm on my fourth episode of Alias. It's only 3:00. He went and got me some medicine. I'm feeling a little better.

Next week is Dad's birthday! He'll be 53. Next week is also the twins birthdays. They'll be 10. There birthday party is Saturday. Adam's birthday is the week after that.


Thinking about getting a bicycle......

Random things.....

We joined the church today. We've been planning on it for a while, but then Papaw got sick and we were gone for a few weeks. So we waited for them to be there. Afterwards we dropped Papaw & Virginia off and Mom & Dad were there. We went to Cracker Barrel to eat lunch.

Yesterday morning was probably the coldest race I've done. It was the Jingle Bell Run. But I beat my best time!! 29:14. The Run for Hope was about 40 or so, and windy. But yesterday it was near freezing! I had fun though. I enjoyed running through town. They didn't stop traffic though. They just closed a few roads downtown and put some cones out near Dumont Plaza for the start/finish line. Everywhere else we had to avoid traffic. There were motorcycle cops around, and turn marshalls at each turn, but that's about it. It was pretty nice though. The race was put on by the Meridian Athletic Association, a mediocre equivalent of the Birmingham Track Club. I'm thinking about joining them. Their website really needs some work (notice the registration for the Triathlon... taking place in June 2006!), but at least it will get me involved in something.
Anyway, afterwards, Mom met me up there and we walked around the crafts show, then went to Hudson's and spent a while there.... I bought a digital voice recorder. I've thought about getting one. I always think of things to write about or look into, but I always forget about it when I get to where I can. Now I can record my thoughts and act on them. It was only $15. (Regularly 69.99)

When Mom got home from our venture, she got a Jury summons in the mail... for ME! I've been called to Jury duty the week after next in Clarke County. I haven't lived (or voted) in Clarke County in 4 years. I have to call them tomorrow and tell them that I can't. Hopefully, my not living in the county is enough. (I'm sure it is.) If not, I'll have to upset a couple of folks because I'm supposed to work the morning show the day I have to report to Jury Duty. We'll see. I think it's ironic, for several reasons.....

Our current Christmas plans are to have dinner on Christmas Eve. Pete & Kelly will be here. That's my only day off that week. (I also have to work the next two Saturdays.)

I'm currently watching season 3 of Lost. I got an email yesterday that said Season 4 has been shipped! Yeah!!!

Life goes on...

I have recently come to the realization that my quest for change is hopeless. So I have decided to take the back seat and become one of them. I've decided to fall in line and not try to change the unchangeable. There is a means to an end and I am now focused on that point. That end that will come in about two years. I may get a two year calendar and start marking the days with a big black magic marker. That might help. In the meantime, I plan to live my life. Not let certain aspects of my life live it for me. I am going to find a hobby. Something to do to buy the time. Running is working, but it's limited to good weather. I'll figure it out. That will buy the time too. Finding something to do....

If you wondering what I'm talking about, that 's okay. You're not the only one. Some people will be able to figure it out, but to the others, don't worry. Just know that I'm better now. I hope it stays that way. There will be bad days in the future, I know. But I will keep my eye on the prize...

Okay now.

This weekend is the 5K race downtown. I hope to do well. I ran my 6 1/2 mile course today, but walked a little of it. Yesterday, I walked a lot more. Also Saturday is the Merry Meridian Craft show. And Saturday night is our Sunday School Christmas Party.

PS: Not that I care one way or the other, but Go Wildcats!! Meridian High is playing in the State Championship Game this weekend.

A little better....

I'm feeling a little better today. On Wednesday, my back was killing me. It started with a sore throat and then a sinus headache. At midafternoon, my back started aching and then hurting, like it did when I had my car accident nearly four years ago. I still don't know why. Yesterday, it started hurting again around the same time, but not as bad. So fdar today, I'm just a little stuffy and coughing. Hopefully, I can get over this enough to be able to run tomorrow. I'm going regardless. I haven't run since Monday. I probably won't meet my goal, but the least I can do it try. Wish me luck...

I feel like crap....

Seriously. Mom thinks I have the flu. My back hurts and I have a sore throat...

I am so upset at myself...

This afternoon, I completely ruined a great book. First of all, let me clarify something. YES, it is an "Oprah book club" selection. YES, I did see it briefly on Oprah, only because it comes on before my show. I saw a review on another news network and decided to get it BEFORE I found out it was on Oprah. Several people have asked me if I saw it on Oprah. I did, but that's not why I got it. ANYWAY, this book I'm reading is excellent. I can't put it down. It's almost 600 pages and I've read about 500 in less than two weeks. It's so descriptive. There's a reason for this, but I won't tell you why. I'm at a critical point in the story and I just couldn't put it down today.
Every chance I had today at work to read a few paragraphs, I took it. I decided that I couldn't do this anymore, because it was getting close to show time and I needed to you know, work and all... So I finished the chapter, which was just one more page. I flipped through the rest of my unread pages see how much I had left, but not really looking. I stopped flipping for like a half a second and there it was! The first three words of a chapter gave a major conclusion away!!! I was so upset! I started crying. I had to go to the bathroom and let the tears out. I was a little embarrassed about what I was crying about. I couldn't believe that happened. I was upset both at what happens in the book but also at myself for seeing it too early.
So now I have to continue reading as if I don't know what's happening. I'm still going to finish it, but I feel like I have cheated myself.

So anyway, read the book. Ir's really good.... Just don't flip through the pages ahead.

I hate Hurricanes!

I'm finally sitting down... with no real reason to get up. The last two days have been crazy! On Sunday, I had to go in at 11pm and work overnight. I left around 4:30 Monday morning and went back to bed. I woke up around 11 and went to the hospital for a few minutes before heading back to work at 12:30. I stayed at work till 11:30 that night. Total time in that 24 hour period... 16 hours. This morning I woke up at 5:45 and went to sit with Papaw till around 10am. I came home and took a nap. Went to work at 1:45. Fortunately, Steven is going to do the 10pm show tonight, so I can sleep. I was going to stay with Papaw, but Mom hired a sitter since he is doing much better. That way we can both get some much needed rest. I am going to soak in the bath and then go to bed. Yipee!! The bad news is I'll probably have to do it again next week when "Ike" decides where it wants to go.

Thanks for all your thoughts & prayers during Papaw's hospital stay. He will hopefully get released tomorrow or Thursday.

Some flowers from the bushes in our yard....

Writer's Block #5

"Describe a time when you were afraid of something that wasn't real."

I made this one up because for some reason, this memory came to me today as I was sitting with Papaw at the hospital. (He's doing fair by the way. Very confused. His temperature is down though.) I don't know why I started thinking about it. Here goes....

When I was a young thing, about 8 or so, my brother and I were at home with a babysitter. I won't mention her name because, well, I don't know why. It's not her fault. Anyway, it was getting late that night and we were watching a TV movie. Pete had already fallen asleep (he was about 3 or 4 at the time) and I begged to stay up and finish the movie.

The movie was called "David." It was about a little boy (named David) whose parents were separating and competing for his love. I can't remember all the details, but it seemed that the parents were trying to get David to want to live with each and both were doing things to get him to "love" them more than the other. The boy's father decides to take little David to Disney World. On the way there, Dad goes to a convenience store and buys a gas can & gasoline, matches, cigarettes, and some sleeping pills. They end up a hotel room for the night to rest up for David's big day which he is overly excited about. Dad gives him a sleeping pill, telling him it will simply help him sleep better. He takes it and promptly passes out on the bed. Dad then pores gasoline all around the room and on the bed around David. He pores a trail of gas out the door and into the parking lot. (You can guess what happens next). He lights a match...

In the end, Dad goes to jail and David miraculously survives with severe burns all over his body. (In reality, he wouldn't have had a chance.) I don't know why Dad did this awful thing. Maybe because he thought that if little David was disfigured, Mom wouldn't want him. Or maybe he was selfish, thinking that if he couldn't have him, no one could.

I guess I was at an impressionable age then, because from then on, I was terrified of someone coming into my room while I was sleeping and poring gas on my bed. At times when I couldn't sleep or would hear noises at night, I would cry. On a regular basis, I would go to sleep with either an arm or a leg (or both) hanging off the side of the bed so I would be able to "feel" it. Of course, I was perfectly safe and there was no reason for all this anxiety, but my young mind didn't know any better. I think I did this off and on for years. I eventually began to think I was crazy or something. I knew I was being ridiculous, but in the back of my mind, that small amount of fear made me subconsciously let my leg hang off the bed. I eventually got over it. But I still think about it on occasion. Remembering how scared I was. Looking back, I think it's a bit ironic that the little boy's name was David. Maybe that's why it effected me so much. Either way, I'm over it now, if you're wondering.

I do have random, anxious thoughts about things on occasion. I'll find that my mind begins racing with all these scenarios of things that could happen and how I'll react to them. Things like what would happen if a family member had a car wreck and was seriously hurt, or what if Wes was at school and someone was there with a gun, or what if my parents get hurt at work. How would I find out about the event? Who would be the one to tell me? What would I do? How would I react? (Think about how you found out about 9/11. Where you were, how you reacted.) Sometimes, I'll have a physical reaction to these thoughts, usually when I'm alone. Of course my mind only races like this when I'm driving, trying to sleep, etc. Times when I'm not mentally engaged. My new friend Juliet told me the other day that she does this as well. I'm sure everyone does this in some form. But I'll bet that not everyone is driven to tears from these baseless thoughts. Don't think I'm crazy, it doesn't happen every day. But it's more often than you would think. Sitting in the car for a while or forcing yourself to sleep late at night, your mind starts to race and the "What if?" scenarios start coming. Then later in the day, my mind goes back to that thought and I'll think to myself, "What's wrong with me?"

I don't think my anxiety and this movie experience are related. Well, maybe just a little.